


Every night I dream you're still here

by ColorfulWarlock



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Songfic, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21710194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulWarlock/pseuds/ColorfulWarlock
Summary: Even though that comforting magic isn’t flourishing there anymore, he can still feel Magnus everywhere. He is everywhere. It is a sweet torture, one he isn’t willing to let go.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	Every night I dream you're still here

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics in italic and bold along with the story are from the song Still Here by Digital Daggers.  
> Like my previous stories, this one also isn't beta-ed, so pardon me for any mistakes.
> 
> I hope you like it and... sorry?

_“MAGNUS!”_

**_Musing through memories  
Losing my grip in the grey_ **

_That wasn’t supposed to happen. It was Alec who was going to see the end of his days. Magnus would outlive him. Magnus was immortal. Magnus was…_

_…was not invincible._

_Alec didn’t want his husband in that fucking mission, but another demonic rift was opened, and only a powerful Warlock could close it._

_When the rain had started to pour heavily, things seemed better. They just needed to wrap everything up and then go home. Alec turned around for a second to answer one of his subordinates’ calls when it happened._

_The Warlock responsible for that nightmare appeared from some shadow and blasted all the reminiscent of dark magic he still had. It was supposed to be Alec._

_Always was._

_But Magnus, already depleted of magic to the bones, pushed his husband out of the way and took all the destructive power._

_It took only one heartbeat. First, Alec lifted his bow with an arrow already nocked and shot, piercing the enemy’s heart. Then, he was already at Magnus’ side, gripping him for dear life._

**_Numbing the senses  
I feel you slipping away_ **

_“No, no, no, no. Please, no.”_ _Alec held Magnus, fear consuming his soul. His husband was so pale, it was like seeing the sun through a thick layer of fog. There was an ugly and dark red gush of blood coming from Magnus’ chest. Skin and muscle were ripped apart, and the heart…_

_Alec swore to protect Magnus’ heart, so why he didn’t do that?_

_“You can’t go. Do you hear me, Magnus? You can’t go. Please… Stay with me.”_

_Desperately, he tried to call Catarina._

Please, pick up. Please, please.

_Magnus’ breath was shallow._

_“Help will arrive anytime, I promise. Just hang in there. Stay with me, Magnus.”_

_With grandiose effort, the Warlock forced himself to open his eyes, and with a shaking hand, he touched Alec’s chest, above the Shadowhunter’s heart._

_“…’ere. I… al…ways… ‘ere...” Magnus blinked slowly three times, pouring all his love from the golden cat-eyes. Then, his eyes closed. His hand fell._

_Fell alongside Alec’s world, irreparably breaking something._

_Alec screamed in pain._

**_Fighting to hold on  
Clinging to just one more day_ **

Still screaming, Alexander wakes up. Another nightmare. The same one since…

It has been two years, and yet… That night is still fresh in his mind. Too vivid, too real. However, it doesn’t matter how many times he wakes up screaming, crying, _begging_. There is no one beside him. That side of bed perpetually colder, empty. The sandalwood scent vanished a long time ago, and it doesn’t matter how many times Alec sprays the bedsheets with it. It isn’t the same.

It will never be the same.

Trembling and sweating, he makes his way to the kitchen. It is haunting. He still lives at the loft, too big for him alone. Even though that comforting magic isn’t flourishing there anymore, he can still feel Magnus everywhere. He is everywhere. It is a sweet torture, one he isn’t willing to let go. His siblings insist for him to go back to the Institute, but he strongly refuses. Because if he goes… then he will lose Magnus for good.

**_Love turns to ashes  
With all that I wish I could say_ **

After drinking a glass of water to calm his nerves, he walks to the balcony. It is already dawn, the chilling breeze of an early Autumn welcoming him and caressing his hair, exactly like his husband used to do.

Closing his eyes and breathing deeply, he reaches to his necklace. It carries two things: Magnus’ wedding ring and a silver pendant. The pendant is made of two of Magnus’ rings – the ones with his initials – that were melted, and inside there is a few his ashes. After the funeral, they cremated his body. At the same night, Alec requested a portal to Indonesia and let his husband’s ashes there, in a beautiful and peaceful place Magnus took him once. But he saved a small portion for himself. This way, he can carry Magnus with him all the time, near his heart.

 _Always here_. It was Magnus’ promise.

Alec believes him.

~*~

**_I'd die to be where you are  
I tried to be where you are_ **

Alec is burning. For the third time in two weeks, he was bitten by a venomous Demon while on an uncalled and solitary patrol, having not notified anyone nor called the companionship of his _parabatai_. He has a high fever, strong enough to make him delirious for two days straight, sweating and aching, trashing the sheets. It is the combination of Catarina’s healing power and strong Mundane medicine that keeps him alive. Izzy, Jace, and Maryse take turns to take care of him, making sure he is hydrated enough and resting.

Most times, he calls Magnus’ name. He tries and makes an effort to reach something in the air, a deformed outline only him can see, two golden globes lingering and blinking out of existence.

Alec whimpers and cries, not knowing how much heartbreak he can endure before destroying his own soul.

He wants to give up so badly, and when he accidentally voices his wish out loud, Jace finally snaps.

“Stop! Just stop, Alec. The way you’re acting is a disgrace to his memory.”

Alec winces. Those are the same words he told Jace when everyone thought Clary was dead and his _parabatai_ kept throwing himself at suicide missions as nothing else in the world mattered.

He _knows_ Jace is right.

But…

**_Every night I dream you're still here  
The ghost by my side, so perfectly clear  
When I awake, you'll disappear  
Back to the shadows_ **

Sometimes he can feel a touch, hear a whisper, see a blue wisp in the air for a brief second. Perhaps he is going crazy, but this kind of strange comfort numbs the dark thoughts for a little bit. He doesn’t spend his days moping on a bed or punching a bag until his knuckles’ skin breaks. He doesn’t shoot arrows at the endless dark sky until he can’t feel his arms and the bow becomes another weight for his shoulders to carry. He doesn’t think about bridges or balconies.

No, he tries to be useful.

He works. Only works. He helps establish new rules to protect the Downworlders. He trains new recruits. He goes to more patrols than any Shadowhunter from his Institute. He consciously searches for more demons to kill. He helps Catarina to build a shelter for Warlock children who are abandoned by their parents after presenting their Warlock marks. He fiercely protects those kids so they won’t suffer the same fate his beloved husband once had to endure.

He kills and protects. Kills and protects. Just like Magnus would do if he was still… Still…

After killing the last Ravener demon in a dark alley, he feels again that strange tingle in his body as if someone is watching him. For a moment, Alec sees a shadow moving at his peripheral vision and hears something similar to a ruffle of feathers. He nocks a new arrow, ready to hit whatever it is there.

Except, nothing is there.

Just quiet shadows.

~*~

**_Phantom be still in my heart  
Make me a promise that  
Time won't erase us  
That we were not lost from the start_ **

He opens Magnus’ box.

The contents are displayed the same way as the first time Alec has opened it without consent. Nothing changed. For a long time, Alec has thought about what Magnus would put there as a reminder of their time together. An arrowhead? Their wedding bands? His stele? They never had a chance to end for good the painful discussion of mortality versus immortality, and the fear of becoming just another one in Magnus’ long life always ate Alec’s insides.

Now, looking at that box, Alec finally understands what Magnus meant that day. Maybe it’s pretentious from his part, but he feels nothing of his would fit in there. Their love was – _is_ – too big for just a box. Alec wouldn’t be able to put anything of Magnus in any container.

How bittersweet is to know Magnus will never have a chance to do the same.

~*~

**_But it breaks so easily  
I try to protect you_ **

Miscalculations don’t happen often, but when they do, the consequences are usually bad. Very, very bad. Alec is surrounded by a big horde of Shax demons, their nest overflowing. At least, he was able to save the two Warlock children trapped in that basement with them while playing hide-and-seek. Now, he is alone to deal with that ordeal.

He sees that strange shadow again, but thinks nothing of that. He just activates some more runes, even though he has already used the Stamina one twice. And even with new stamina running in his veins, he feels so tired. But he fights. He fights until his last drop of strength.

Then, the first cut comes. A big one, from one shoulder blade to the other.

Another, on the left side of his waist.

One more. More. More.

And he still fights, taking down as many as he can. There is too much venom inside him now, he knows he won’t make it. His only regret is letting his siblings down… again. He failed them.

He failed everyone.

**_I can't let you fade  
I feel you slipping_ **

Everything is silent. He is lying on the floor, covered by blood, sweat and ichor. A true fallen warrior. His body aches so much, it’s difficult to breathe. With a last attempt of strength, he grabs his necklace, holding his pendant and Magnus’ wedding ring with utmost care.

“I’m sorry, Magnus…” Tears roll down while he feels himself slipping away. His vision starts to blur, and before he can close his eyes, that shadow is above him. For a moment, he swears he can see something dark fluttering like giant wings. Was there another demon that he wasn’t aware?

_Sleep, darling._

Yeah, he is definitely delusional. Somehow, he is not afraid. The sweet, silky voice lulls him to a painless darkness. He feels safe, secure in a way he hasn’t felt since that damn night years ago.

_I’m here._


End file.
